Hi people. I hope you are all well and have a great time. I don’t want this post to be too long or too short. I also don’t want to keep everything to myself because it only hurts me even more, but I’ll try not to just talk too much.
I wasn’t doing well recently, either in my life with the stress of studying or on Munchy with some things I don’t like. This is my last year I at school and with the pressure on me, I’m struggling to sleep these days and I just can’t live quietly anymore because of other bad thoughts that resurface from my experience on Munchy. That doesn’t mean I leave the server, I enjoy it so much and I love you all. I just need to take a step back and, who knows, maybe I’ll leave and you’ll totally forget about me.
Right now, I’m just exhausted, sad to know that I won’t achieve any of my goals either Irl or on the server. I’m just devastated by the fact that when the world goes one way, I turn to the other. I can’t sleep without thinking about all this so I prefer to step back. I prefer to disappear, it will do more good than harm.
I am basically depressed and every time I try to get out of this mood, life just makes it harder for me. I often try to spread my words out in the form of small quotes and even if they go unnoticed, they are pretty valuable to me and I would like to share two with you. One’s gonna be in french and the other one, my most recent text, is gonna be in English.
« Hélas, l’engouement que je porte au sein de cet environnement qui m’attire, les efforts que j’entreprends dans l’optique d’unir cette si paisible communauté, de converser et de me sentir comme celle qui pourrait refléter un peu de fraîcheur et de convivialité, ces notions n’auront aucune signification, aussi insignifiantes qu’elles soient, envers les critères qui auraient été préalablement définis. J’appris à m’abstenir de tout commentaire, je su comment m’améliorer et arriver à un stade où ma maturité me permettrait de combler mes erreurs du passé. J’appris à me tourner sur ceux qui ont le pouvoir pour agir plutôt que de me prendre pour une pilier. Depuis cet échec, je me suis reconstruise pour devenir plus que j’étais autrefois, sauf que les standards qu’ils attendent me bloqueront totalement. J’aurais beau être parfaite, la meilleure dans n’importe quel domaine, je prends conscience que dès lors qu’une personne ne veut pas de toi, quand bien même que tu sois un être surnaturel, tu ne satisferas jamais ses attentes. Je suis ouverte quand ceux qui atteignent l’acceptation se renferment petit à petit, je cajole et discute pendant que ceux là forment leur bloc sans pour autant s’encrer davantage sur leur communauté. Mais qui suis-je pour me plaindre? Personne. Je fais sûrement fausse route, quelque chose de travers. Je travaille sans cesse pour me forger, peut être en vain… La peine m’anime certes mais je ne veux perde espoir car c’est cette dernière qui fait vivre. J’espèrerais pouvoir un jour admirer cette douce lueur de réussite, s’amenuisant ou non, ce doux parfum de fierté qui rassasiera mon anxiété. »
« The flame has been extinguished, only ashes remain… Who to turn it back on? I think it would be wise to leave it in its lamentable end. It couldn’t shine, it couldn’t just illuminate even a sober shelf. Today, she wants to ravage everything in her path. The regret, the bitter taste of resignation that I feel at this moment takes my breath away. Would I like to suffer this same story? Probably not. Would I seek confrontation? Probably not. I’ll just watch her success sparkle as I collect the piles of dust that accumulate on the ground. The candle is no more. You have to throw it away, get rid of it, it no longer has any use. Its shattered hopes will be nothing more than his grave that will engulf it in a bigger depression. »
And that’s pretty much it, I’m supposed to be sleeping but here I am making this post. I really hope it won’t get deleted just because of that big french text that people could translate if they wish to or just because of the theme of this whole messy essay but everything is fine…
Again, here’s my discord because I’m no longer in the Munchy Discord: Stella_#2004
I really hope that I’ll be able to have some casual conversation with all of you, if people even want to speak to me after this. And here I go. Good night people.
